I wish I had waited.
When I said “yes” to doing some sexual stuff, I didn’t realize that I was saying “yes” to eventually going all the way. But after doing some stuff-like mutual masturbation and oral sex-the reasons I had for not going all the way seemed pointless. Plus I had a lot of curiosity about sex, since there is so much hype about it, from friends and movies and music, not to mention the guy I was dating. Over the course of time and over several serious relationships, I eventually gave in.
Afterwards, I would think “That’s it?” but I never said that to the guy. I didn’t want him to feel bad or get mad at me…or worst of all, break up with me. At that point, it was extremely important to me that he liked me-even loved me-because I had just invested so much. I had to keep my little fantasy alive in my mind that everything was wonderful.
Also, I had been lying to my parents over the years. I’d say we went to this or that movie, when really we just would park the car and mess around. I even tried to convince myself that it was bringing us closer together, but it really only made me more worried that the relationship would dissolve.
And it would dissolve, every time. I was left feeling insecure about myself: what if I he breaks up with me after I just gave everything I’ve got…would I have anything special left to offer in the next relationship?
I eventually stopped looking for a heart connection, altogether. I just wanted to party and have fun. More specifically: I wanted to numb the pain with alcohol and casual sex. But I just felt worse and worse. I thought about suicide.
I was in seriously bad shape emotionally.
But thankfully I was able to make a big change. Through the help of some people who cared for me and encouraged me, I was able to start seeing myself as a person who has incredible value. It was hard to see at first, but I finally figured out that I was seriously putting myself at risk-especially my heart. And I am one of the fortunate ones. I never had to deal with a pregnancy before marriage, or the humiliation and physical pain of an STD. I realize now just how high the chances were to have either of these problems in my life. I am so thankful to God!
I stopped having sex. I stopped partying. I started hanging out with new friends who were a good influence on me. And I started feeling pretty good about myself for the first time in a long time. I actually started to have fun again, believe it or not! I even decided that, even though having a boyfriend sounded nice, it was also pretty nice to be without one too! I no longer needed a guy to feel self-worth.
All this happened over the course of years–starting with those bad choices in high school, partying and feeling so depressed in college, and finally getting my life back on track after college. Now I am married to a guy who believes in me, loves me and respects me. I have a beautiful child now too. I have now found what I really wanted all that time ago-feeling good about myself and having the confidence to enjoy being me. Starting over let me do that.
I am so glad I am not the same person that I used to be.